Ass... Nasty Stank Ass...

I am sure as some of you may recall, I have recently been subjected to working with the OLD GEEZER in the service center at my place of employment.

As mush as I would like to report that things have gotten better.....Alas, it has not.

**sigh**

But whatever, I have pretty much resigned myself to the fact its not going to change and I am finding a way to deal with it all.

However, today took a bit of a different track than what I am use to out of that old man.

I am down in the tinting area mixing up paint when I kept being overcome with the most disgusting scent of what can only be described as raw sewage.

Unfortunately, every single time my nasal passages were engulfed with this putrid smell I noticed the Old Geezer was standing right next to me.

Holy shit!!! An Epiphany!!! It didn't take long to put 2 and 2 together to realize the originating source of this foul stench was straight out of the Old Geezer's Ass...

Why!!?? Why God!!??? Why Me??? Why hast thou forsaken me???

It didn't matter where I went that old man followed me around squeaking out rancid silent but deadlies...

My skin crawled...

My stomach turned...

My nose hairs were seared off...

It didn't stop! But what made it worse was knowing all of the guys in the warehouse were aware of my plight and laughed like they have never seen anything so fucking funny in their lives.

Songs were sung just for me...

"What's that she smells?
Somethin' straight out of old man hell!
Will she live or will she die
This is so funny we could fucking cry!"

Oh and I don't know how many of you are familiar with 'The Rock' from wrestling but if I had to hear an imitation of him one more time I was going to go postal on someone... "Can you SMELLLLLLLLLL what the Old Geezer is cooookin'!!!"

Rat Bastards... I will get even with all of you for this... That's right... Laugh at my hell will you? You shall all pay...

After dealing with this madness for a good hour the old man looked me straight in the eye and says "You know Krissy (yes that is what he calls me and it irritates the shit outta me) I went home last night and made a huge pot of ham and bean soup and I just don't think its sitting right with me today. So I think I am going to leave here for a while that way if I have to pass gas you won't have to deal with it."

And with that geezer walked off leaving me in a cloud of toxic waste with my jaw resting on the floor of that dirty warehouse.

I see how it is. You stink up the joint, almost killing me in the process then admit to having some serious anal issues and leave. Yeah like you didn't know you were funkin' up the place to begin with...

You know at work I am the head of the safety committee and I am issuing an immediate statement as to the health hazards surrounding old man flatulence. Not that is necessarily bad to breathe that shit in even though any rodent within a 5 mile radius probably died, but because I am seriously going to kick the shit out of that old man if that happens again. Now that's a safety issue for ya!

The following signs will also be placed up all over the facility...

Who Is Behind The Mask???

When I was 15 I got my first job working at a fast food place with my best friend Jamie. I hated the job more than anything but I worked with some very "colorful" people so it made going in everyday after school worth it. Of course, being 15 and having a regular paycheck was a bonus too. Can't pass up the money :)

While I was there I began to date a guy that I worked with. Everyone says its pretty much a no-no to ever date anyone you work worth but sometimes we have to learn all of that the hard way right? I know I have one of those personalities where I want to be proven wrong not just told. Hell that little philosophy I lived by is what got me in all of the trouble I got in growing up.....but I never changed. I always insist I can be different than everyone else who has been in similar circumstances. Sometimes its to my benefit but other times I just end up screwing myself royally. **sigh**

Okay back to the guy I dated. He was not bad looking and seemed very very nice. We always managed to have a ton of fun when we worked together so it just seemed right. Besides we had mutual friends and always ended up at the same parties so knowing how well we got along it just seemed natural that we would end up dating.

We dated for several months until it just got to be a little bit too much for me. I began to see him as being slightly possessive of me a overbearing at the same time. What finally broke everything off was him starting to ask me what I was doing, where I was going, who I was talking too...etc... You get the picture. All the signs of something very very bad in the works.

When all of that began to happen, I broke it off.

That did not set well with him. He began to cause problems for me at work and was constantly following me around and harassing me. So much so it got the attention of my manager who found the whole thing very unnerving. He ended up firing him a couple of days later.

I was relieved when he was fired. I thought I would finally be able to move on and breathe without fear of being questioned about everything 24/7. I would be able to work in peace and go back to having fun with all of the people I worked with.

A good 3 weeks passed and I hadn't heard a peep out of the guy. No phone calls. No showing up at my job. No magically appearing at school. He just stopped. It was great.

What a beautiful 3 weeks.

One night while we were closing up the restaurant one of the guys I worked with was taking a bunch of trash out to the dumpster. It was about 11 on a Friday night so it was very dark outside therefore making it impossible for him to see anything other than what was in plain sight. Big deal right? Shit he had been taking the damn trash out there every single night for months so what would make this night any different right?

WRONG!!!

When he got there and was just about to throw the massive bag into the dumpster out jumps someone. He was dressed in a black ninja suit and began tossing those little Ninja Throwing Stars at the guy. And when I say he was wearing a Ninja Suit, I mean the full fucking suit.

All we heard from inside the restaurant were shrieks and screams. That sent everyone running outside to see what the hell was going on.

That is when we see the guy who took out the trash curled up on the ground in the fetal position with a freak in a costume standing over him. He was black from head to toe. Shit his face was even covered up partially just like you would see in some Bruce Lee movie. There really is no accurate way to describe the scenario that would do it any justice what so ever. It was just fucked up. I thought I was lost in some crazy Kung Fu movie or an episode of Candid Camera.

When the guy saw us he immediately ran off.

The guy who took the trash out finally calmed himself down after a couple of minutes and was able to tell us that he was spoke too by the person. Here is a snippet of the conversation:

"I know you are dating my girlfriend man and you are going to pay for taking her away from me! God sent her to me and no one, especially you is going to take her away from me!"

Right then and there I knew who it was behind the mask. It was my ex. As soon as I heard the words "God sent her to me" I fucking knew it. That was something he had told me right before I had broken it off with him.

He had given me some story of praying to God to send him someone way before he met me that he would be with until the day he died. He began to tell me that God had spoken to him on many occasions and told him to be patient and one day it would happen. Then he told me that he had seen me in visions and I was the girl God had spoken to him about.

Can you believe that shit? At age 15 I was that fucking girl??!!! Gimme a damn break here!

I knew he was insane and that is the biggest reason I quit seeing him. Hell I was 15! Seriously! Like I was ready for any kind of serious relationship here especially from someone who claimed to be talking to Jesus and God Almighty himself. No fucking Thank You...

Well the cops were called and I told them who I thought it was but based on everything that happened there was no real proof he did anything and nothing was ever done.

He never bothered me again from that point on and he never showed back up any place I was in any more costumes.

I did find out he dated a girl I knew a couple of years later and he tried to turn her into me. He made her cut her hair like mine and even change her room so it looked exactly like mine. She actually contacted me when they had broken up to tell me all about it. The story actually gave me chills.

What the hell???

I ran into him about 10 years ago in a grocery store. It was a little eerie. He proceeded to tell me how he ended up marrying the very same girl who called me to tell me she had been made into me. How odd is that? They were still married and that is when he asked me if he and I could get together sometime.

I POLITELY said no and walked away.

I have never seen him again...

And that is my story of having a stalker.

Blessed or Cursed...

Am I blessed or am I cursed? Its a question I have battled with myself for quite sometime. I could pretty much go either way on the answer in all honesty but I figured after talking about this crap at work today, why not come home and ask all of my blog readers this one...

Over the years, there is one thing I have noticed about men. And I don't mean any disrespect to you men out there but you all have a complete fetish with a woman's body. Specifically, I am talking about boobies, cha-cha's, fun bags, the twins, lunch, dirty pillows, food-catchers, hooters, massive melons, love humps and whatever else you men love to call them.

I will not lie, I have a fairly nice pair :) Well at least that's what I have been told anyway. And from watching how men tend to talk to me, which is look from my eyes then down to my chest then back to my eyes, I tend to agree with what I have been told.

But you men fail to see what we women must go through carrying these things around. It's not all that easy.

First of all, wearing a bra sucks! The over-the-shoulder boulder holder has got to be the most uncomfortable piece of clothing ever invented and who ever came up with the idea should be taking out and shot. However, I do know it was invented by a woman. What the hell was she thinking? She has got to be into some sort of self-torture. If she were alive today she would have been a member of Opus Dei and would have probably sat around flogging herself just for the fact she was a woman.

Secondly, if you happen to have big ones, they can make your back hurt like there is no tomorrow. And if you don't believe that, try strapping on a fake pair for a few days and see how much you like it! No joke!

Third, if you happen to be a woman who has no breasts at all, you can constantly be mistaken for a 10 year old boy. What fun is that? Then you have to buy bras with padding and be all fake and stuff or subject yourself to surgery just so you have a pair. No fun in that..

Fourth, like I said above, men tend to forget you have a face and focus on your chest. You just wanna look at them and say, "Hello, my eyes are up here and not down there jackass..."

Now there are definitely some good things about having a chest that is fairly well-endowed. It really isn't completely horrible all of the time.... I can't lie and I won't....

Men tend to really pay attention to a woman with a nice set of boobies. You get doors opened up for you pretty much no matter where you go. Sometimes, it can get you free stuff. Anything from a cup of coffee to money. I, myself, have never gotten money but I am just speaking on behalf of friends I know who have gotten such things. The coffee, yeah.... I have gotten it lots of times.

The draw back is that there are many women who forget that it takes more than an excellent set up ta-ta's to keep a man interested. Yeah sure he will love to play with them for awhile but the minute he is done with them and he can't carry on a conversation with you, the fun is all over.

Too many women think they can just run out and get bigger boobies and get the man of their dreams. Its a sad reality. If they only realized from the beginning that having the personality of a wet mop doesn't go well with big big boobies. Nope....they don't go hand in hand at all.

I would like to know from the male point of view here. What is it about a woman with boobs that you love so much? Is is merely because you don't have them or what? Is it boobie Envy? Shit, if you did have them would you even leave your house??? **snicker** I mean I don't have a penis and when I talk to a man I don't sit staring at their crotches when I do it so what gives? And I don't want a penis so I definitely don't suffer from penis envy. Come on boys... help me out here!!! (Besides I don't know how in the hell you walk around with those things anyway..)

This was a debate at work today. And the only guy chiming in with any sort of opinion is a 40 year old virgin (yes he is seriously 40 and a virgin.. no lie) so I figure his opinion really didn't matter all that much...

All right guys.. spill it... I want some truth here...