Voyeur.... Via the Flickering Light Box

voy·eur - (voi-yûr') - n.

1. A person who derives sexual gratification from observing the naked bodies or sexual acts of others, especially from a secret vantage point.
2. An obsessive observer of sordid or sensational subjects.

I am a voyeur. Yes, I have said it. Yes, I can admit it. I am a Voyeur.

Now with the admittance that I am indeed a Voyeur, I must make sure to emphasize that I am an Obsessive Observer of sordid or sensational subjects and not one who derives sexual gratification from basically being a peeping-tom.

To sum it up, I like to observe people around me at all times. I can be driving in my car and if I pass someone or they pass me, I will take a look at them. Sometimes in stores, I will just stop for a moment and take a look at someone ahead of me.

But my big thing is reality TV. How sad is that? Yet again this year, I am been suckered in by the show 'Big Brother' but this year it is a little more involved. You see Showtime has apparently teamed up with CBS and for 3 hours each and every night you get to watch the house guests live and uncut. And I CAN'T STAY AWAY!!!

I wish I could explain why but I can't other than to say watching how certain personalities attempt to mesh inside the house is sheer entertainment. I take bets with myself as to who is going to lose their mind first. I yell at certain contestants on the show as if they can somehow silently hear my warning to take heed. It truly is sad...

It makes me wonder what I would do if trapped inside a place like that. Could I actually live in a house with a ton of people I have never met for 3 months? Could I stay there and remain sane knowing I will have absolutely no contact with the outside world? No TV. No Radio. No Newspaper. No Phone Calls. No Internet. Not to mention NO PRIVACY!!! There are hundreds of camera's in that house. Even in the bathroom and the shower. And I forgot to mention the microphones. Every single conversation is recorded and heard.

Could I Do It???

Probably not. And I say that because I would absolutely could not go without having my privacy. I could probably deal with living with a ton of strangers for 3 months, especially knowing there is the prospect of receiving $500,000. But the lack of alone time would get me.

Whenever I am upset about something or I don't feel good, I simply want to be left alone. Don't touch me. Don't screw with me. Just leave me the fuck alone until I am ready to become social again.

And it is for those reasons that I am drawn to this show. I want to know will they react to something the way I would? Will they fight or surrender? Will they break down and cry or throw the biggest temper-tantrum you have ever seen?

The idea of watching people is an old one. Everyone, for the most part, wants to observe the actions of others. We can't help ourselves. Does this make us bad? No. Actually, my personal opinion is quite the contrary. In some ways its even a good thing. When we observe the negative behavior of others it tends to make us think of ourselves and how we would handle ourselves in similar situations. We get to see how everyone deals with their negativity and decide if we want to ever be looked at in the same light. Definitely not a bad thing right???

The only thing that makes it bad is simply this. Sometimes, it takes observing the bad to realize that we shouldn't do something.

I guess this brings up morality. And all I want to say about morality is this. Everyone has a set of morals. No one's is the same. We will never entirely agree with the things people around us do but that is what makes us unique. We have that right. If you don't like something you see, then turn away because that does not mean everyone else shares your opinion and just because you do not like something does not give you the right to make that person stop whatever it is they are doing just to make you happy.

Remember, morality means to conform to a specific set of rules of conduct that are considered right and just by the majority. UGH..........

You see how all of this comes together????

I thought so.....

So now that I have gone on a tangent that I truly did not expect to do, let me say this again.

I am a Voyeur and I like it.... I have morals and scruples too but I am a Voyeur via the Flickering Light Box aka.... The Television...

Nuthin' But Stuff

This weekend was another one of those weekends where we ended up having a ton of fun just hanging out together.

I love weekends like this...

Friday night after picking Michael up from work we all watched "The Gridiron Gang". Talk about a tear jerker of a movie. I love these feel-good movies like this but when you can't quit crying while watching can drive you crazy. My son ended up falling asleep in the floor with his blanket and pillow about 1/2 way through it. Even at the age of 13 he is still very sweet looking when he passes out like that.

Saturday night Michael and I went to see Grindhouse. What a trip of a movie that is! I loved it! The way they put it together like something out of the 70's just made it that much better. It was funny to see what looked like little hairs on the screen along with all of the fuzziness and grain. So if you really like old cult classics, I suggest you go and see this movie because it is definitely worth the 3 1/2 hours in the theater.

Yesterday after eating a huge late breakfast we all got dressed and went to Water Works park to see their Disc Golf Course. Michael first introduced me to disc golf awhile back. For those of you who don't know what it is, it's playing golf with a Frisbee type disc except the disc's come in all sorts of different weights. The object of the game is just like golf in the sense you have to get the lowest score possible after the 18 holes. But they aren't really holes. They are baskets with metal chains wrapped around them to grab the disc when it hits so it falls directly into the basket. Definitely a cool game. You can check out some info on it here. So here in the next couple of weeks we have decided to buy some discs so all of us can go out and play. It should be fun as well as a hell of a work out considering the courses are very hilly and have lots of trees.

But today, its back to the grind. Back to the lovely world of collections! I don't mind Mondays so much though because I get to only work 4 hours instead of a full shift. Very nice way to start the week :)

Have a terrific day everyone!

A Pity Party You Say???

Okay I am having one of those days and I hate it. Actually I should not even say its one of those days because my day has not been bad in the slightest....but all of a sudden, well within the last hour, I feel invisible.

I can't explain it. I know its just me but that's the way I feel.

I feel boring...

I feel unimportant...

I feel like I am no fun what-so-ever...

I feel like I could just walk out the door and no one would even fucking notice.....

I feel like a wallflower...

It's funny because I know its only me because no one else is making me feel this way but I still cannot help myself.

But what makes it even worse is the thought of asking anyone to make me feel better because I feel like its something I should be doing on my own. I mean who am I? What makes me so special that I should feel the need to find someone to make me feel better about myself? I know I need to drag myself out of this hole but right now I am not succeeding.

No one makes me feel this way but for whatever reason I just do.

And when I even begin to think that I want to try and talk about it I feel like I am about to cry.

Now don't anyone go and think that Blu isn't doing his part because he is. He always does. Whenever he thinks there is something wrong with me he lets me know because he pays attention...

But tonight I just cannot communicate for whatever reason. I can't spit the words out because they just won't come. It's like they are lodged in the back of my throat and no matter how hard I try they just won't budge. And then whatever I say comes out wrong and is taken the wrong way so then I feel like I should just shut the fuck up... Because I don't want to bring anyone down...

Does anyone else ever feel like this or is it just me???

I think I am just over hormonal... I blame myself and no one else... Sorry guys I know that word hormonal just eats at you but its the truth. I think most of us women are like this sometimes.

I am apparently having my own little pity party but I forgot to send out invitations...

I am playing the worlds smallest violin without an audience to enjoy it with me... Not that anyone would even enjoy the songs I would be playing but whatever right???

So forgive me everyone.. I needed to vent... How sad is this? I vented and it meant nothing.

Do I feel better? Hell no.. I still feel like running down the street screaming my head off and tearing out my hair...

I guess it just sucks. Here it is Saturday night and I feel like doing anything other than what I am doing right now. I hate sitting in this house. I wouldn't care if I were just outside staring at the sky... it would be better than this but then again... its fucking cold so I would bitch about that... So go figure..

I need a night out..

I need to get away badly...

Is that bad?

Is it selfish??

Is it wrong???

Probably...

By the way.. My head is pounding...

Memories..

While digging through somethings in my basement, I ran across my old diary. I cannot even tell you how long it has been since I have laid my eyes upon it.

This morning I pulled it out and just read.

So many memories I had forgotten about.

Some good.

Some bad.

Much of the written words were filled with a heartache that even brought a tear to my eye today.

I know I tend to write about all of the funny and crazy things I did while growing up but I never share any of the bad. I think its because its easier to block out the bad and pretend none of it existed even though I realize both the good and the bad made me who I am today. Does that make any sense at all?

One of the things I found in here were some of my poetry. I knew some of it was there but there were even a few I had forgotten about.

I Wish...

I wish I were a butterfly
Floating
Aimless and free
Radiating beauty near and far

I wish I were a bird
Flying
Stealthy and quick
Illuminated by the bright sunlight

I wish I were a black panther
Hunting
Strong and fierce
Doing what I need to survive

I wish I could make myself see
I am…
The Butterfly
The Bird
The Black Panther
All encompassed into one



Caged..

Don’t ever let me go
Don’t ever let me fall
Deep within I am scared
Trying to break down this wall

It won’t budge
I’m locked, caged inside
Screaming to get out
No longer wanting to hide

Please help me
Please bring me the key
Open up the gate
This pain I have to flee

Give me your love
Lend me your heart
I need you so bad
Don’t let me fall apart

Sneakin' Out Part 2 - Thieves In The Night

After my little post about sneakin' out, I have done much thinking about all of the different unruly things I did during my teenage years. I was seriously a bad girl. There is no other way to put it. But no one every really knew how bad I was. I mean come on.. Look at my angelic face???



How could you ever think that I would do anything bad??? Granted I have devils horns holding up my halo but who's counting???

Now I am deviating from my whole reason for this post. Seeing as how my most recent post was about one of my sneakin' out escapades I thought I would follow it up with another one.

During one of my little late night disappearances a friend of mine and I decided to go and visit a friend. She lived up the street from me, so she happened to be one of the people I usually ended up hanging out with whenever I did venture from my house during the wee hours of the morning.

Instead of calling her she, let me refer to her as Jane. Kinda like Jane Doe. I really don't want to use her real name here. Not that she will ever see it but still. Just being a little cautious. Don't want to give away every single piece of information...

Jane was the only one of us with a driver's license. I was only 15 at the time and she had turned 16 just a few months prior.

On this particular night we really didn't know what exactly to do. We had no plans but it didn't matter. We were hell bent on doing something!!! Oh yeah! It was definitely going to happen.

When I get to her house and sneak in the window we both kind of sat there, staring at each other, deciding what to do and where to go. It was no easy task seeing as though we didn't have a way to get anywhere except by walking. And considering most of our friends lived several miles away, we just didn't see that as an option.

After throwing around a couple of lousy idea's, Jane finally says, "You know what? We are going to take my mom's car!"

At first I was really taken back by this statement. I mean what would happen if her parents got up in the middle of the night and noticed the car was gone and then looked in her room and saw she was gone??? Would they have called the police or what???

However, after tossing the idea around in my head for all of 2 minutes and listening to her say, "Ahhh c'mon it'll be fun! We can go anywhere we want!", I caved. Yep I gave in.

We were going to be thieves in the night! How cool is this? It's like living in a movie! We could do ANYTHING we wanted to do!

In a way the whole idea was pretty cool. Well at least it seemed that way at the time...

Jane left her bedroom really quietly and came back a couple of minutes later with her mom's car keys in hand. At this point we both crawled back out her bedroom window and made our way to the car.

Jane's mom's car was a piece of work. Yes, I am being sarcastic. It was an old white station wagon and I LOATHE station wagons. However, it was a means for us to roam the city so who really cares right?

Jane unlocks the car and we both get in, closing the doors as quietly as possible so we don't wake her parents up. She looks back at the house when she starts the car hoping no one is looking out a window or standing at the door.

WHEW!!! The coast was clear!

Jane eased the car out of the driveway and we were gone!

My house was only 8 houses away but we had to pass it in order to get out of our neighborhood. That is when I ducked in the seat just in case my mother had gotten up. If she happened to look out the window I sure as hell didn't want her to see us passing by. Actually, I didn't duck in the seat, I crawled in the damn floor until Jane gave the "Coast is Clear" signal.

We ended up at one of our friends houses. To be specific it was my boyfriends house at the time. His parents were gone for a week out of town so we figured why not. He had a few friends over so it seemed like fun.

I am not going to go into details but I will say I was a GOOD girl while I was there. I have no lurid details for you so sorry about that. We basically sat around shooting the shit for a couple of hours until we decided we had better go before we get caught.

Now this is where the story gets a little interesting. When we got back to her house, Jane turned the lights to the car off so we wouldn't give ourselves away.

The car was originally backed in so she had to make sure to put it back in the exact place it was. She pulled up in front of the house a little ahead of the driveway and put the car in reverse.

"Hey would you mind getting out and standing behind the car and guide me in?"

Well of course I wouldn't mind! I hopped out and was using my hands to wave her back into the spot. Jane was doing awesome! Splendid at backing up considering she only had her license for a couple of months! Spectacular Job!!!

About the time she was in the spot something went awry. Jane accidentally hits the gas instead of the break sending the car ramming at almost full speed into a tree right next to the driveway.

HOLY FUCK!!! WHAT THE HELL??!!!

All you could hear was a loud crash and then screeching tires....

Jane had a moment of panic and peeled out of the driveway like bullet being shot from a gun and left me standing there looking completely dumbfounded! I know my jaw was on the ground and my eyes were as big as saucers because I couldn't believe she left me standing there!!!

Apparently she wasn't in that much of a panic because as she drove away like a mad woman she remembered to turn the head lights back on. So all I see are the tail lights of the car disappearing before me heading down the street.

All I could do was stand there a second. I couldn't move. I was in complete disbelief. What had been a great night had immediately turned into a nightmare.

I remember turning and looking at her house. I truly expected to see her father standing there but luckily for me, he wasn't. And its a good thing too because her dad was SCARY!!! He was one of those guys who put up with NO nonsense at all. None.. Nada...

Finally something gave and I was able to move. I just remember running as fast as I could out of her driveway and down the street in the direction Jane had went.

Can you believe she drove over 2 blocks to a church parking lot?

When I got there she was just sitting in the car, staring at the steering wheel with a look of "I am so dead!" written all over her face.

I got in and sat next to her. She said she was sorry for leaving me and asked if her parents woke up after that loud crash. I told her I didn't see them but I couldn't be for sure. We sat there for a few minutes trying to hatch a master plan but we couldn't come up with anything. Our brains were mush. It was futile. We were fucked and there is nothing else to it.

Jane finally decided to head back to the house and try it again. She had said she was going to back it in again and pretend like the whole thing didn't happen.

So here we go again. But this time she backed the car in perfectly.

We got out and walked around the back of the car to see if it was damaged and if so how bad.

Yep. The bumper was completely smashed in and there was little twigs sticking out of it covered in tiny green leaves. When you looked at the tree she hit, you could clearly see where bark had been ripped off leaving a huge gash in it. We picked out every twig we saw and wiped off any traces of the tree bark and just hoped no one would ever put two and two together.

I really thought Jane was going to cry but she didn't.

At that point she just said she was going to go in and go to bed and she would see me in the morning.

You see, at that time, Jane's mom was taking us to school every morning. Not good when you were just aiding and abetting someone stealing a car for your own personal fun.

I felt like a felon. I went home, crawled into bed and never went to sleep.

The next morning, Jane and her mom pulled up to my house as they usually did and we made the journey to school. Both Jane and I couldn't talk. There was just nothing we could say. Her mother never once mentioned the car. It was a good thing at that moment.

Later on that day when Jane got home, her mother apparently asked her about the car. Her mom noticed the bumper when she was on her way to the car when she was leaving the grocery store that afternoon.

Jane played dumb and nothing was ever said. They just got the car fixed and that was the end of it.

I admit, I do feel a little guilty. Sometimes I wish I had said something but considering Jane kept quiet, I wasn't about to turn her in. I couldn't bring myself to do it.....

Oh boy... So how angelic am I now???

Sneakin' Out

Today at work a few of us got into some conversations of things we did when we were younger and it got my mind really reeling. The funny thing is I happen to work with my younger sister so telling some of these made her kinda go "HUH???". I love that. It's things she never knew her big sister ever did. Damn now she sees me in such a different light. **snicker** YEAH RIGHT!!!

When I was growing up I had the coolest room in the world. Actually it was the entire basement of my parents house. Damn it was great! What teenage girl wouldn't want this???

There were a few draw backs. Like for one, when my parents bought the house the basement came with the ugliest of green shag carpets. And not just one color of green but it was multi-colored. Light and Dark shades... Bleecccchhhhh!! Talk about a blast from the 70's. It was scary.

Then there was the issue of anytime someone needed to go out into the garage they had to come down the stairs, which meant they were entering my room. FUCK!!! Can't do any masturbating when you are worried a family member is going to come poppin' in at any minute! Did I just say that? Scratch that... Pretend I said nothing... Act as though I am using the Jedi Mind Trick on you, telling you to remember nothing....

It's forgotten right??? Of course it is, now just don't reread this post and its all good :)

Now there were so many awesome things about this room. First, it was huge!!! I mean huge huge huge! I had my bed and basically a full living room full of furniture. All of my friends loved to come over and hang out just because they could lounge around anywhere they wanted.

I even had a fireplace in my bedroom. Tell me that doesn't kick some ass?? Did I use it? Only a couple of times but it was still cool none-the-less.

But the best thing about this room is that I had my very own private entrance. Yeah... A 16 year had a door right next to her bed. That's right... You heard me right....

Now the question is, did I use it???

You better believe I used it! Holy shit I was a bad kid. I cannot even begin to tell you how many times I was sneakin' out in the middle of the night.

I would walk down the local 7-11 and flirt with the clerk behind the counter. Craig... Wow I still remember Craig. You know I ran into him a year ago and let me say this.... I don't know what the fuck I was thinking... YUCK!!!

Then there were the times I would head to friends houses and sneak in their windows so we could just hang out. Of course hanging out meant stealing liquor from our parents, getting completely hammered and just having one hell of a time...

I told you I was a bad bad bad girl...

Well after all was said and done as far as where ever it was I was at those nights I would always head home. It was usually some where in the neighborhood of 3 or 4 in the morning.

Now here is where it gets funny. My father worked the night shift for General Motors at the time. I knew I needed to be home by the time he got there or else he would hear me sneaking in. So I always made sure I was home well in advance.

Well except this one time....

I was on my way home from my friends and I was just strolling down the street. I didn't even know what time it was because I had been drinking. See what alcohol does to you??

So here I am walking down the road and I don't even pay attention to the fact there is a van coming down the road behind me until its pretty much damn near on top of me. Well I look over my shoulder and its my father.

SHIT! SHIT! SHIT!!!

What the fuck am I gonna do now? Its a fucking school night and I am busted for sure. They are going to take away my bedroom! Or at least nail the door shut so hard that I would never be able to exit it again!!! FUCK!

So I start jogging a little bit and veering off into the grass just hoping he wouldn't see me. Well I look over right as he gets to me and yep, there is my dad.

Was he looking at me? NOPE!!!

It was like something out of Ferris Bueller's Day Off. You know the scene where he is running home after skipping school all day long having the time of his life and trying to get home before his parents.

The only difference is my dad never even looked my way! He just drove right on past and went home.

I was still convinced I was busted though. I anticipated he would be waiting in my room for me. I knew I was going to be grounded until I was 75. Damn its hell being a teenage girl...

So I reach my yard and sneak around the back of the house to my door. I look at the windows and see no lights or anything so I go ahead and reach for the door.

What happens? The bastard squeaks. And loudly too... SHIT!!! Why don't I carry the WD-40 with me for times like this?

I get the door all the way open and go in and what do I see? Nothing! My dad wasn't there. All was nice and quiet.

I end up changing my clothes in the dark and sneak into bed. I laid there for a little bit waiting to see if he would ever come down but he didn't. That's when I figured he would say something the next day and just kick my ass when my mother is there too..

The next day... NOTHING IS SAID!!!

Whether he saw me or not I will never ever know. He ever said a word to me to this day...

Talk about a close call :)

I will say it again, the life of a teenage girl is hard... No doubt fun! But definitely HARD!!