Voyeur.... Via the Flickering Light Box

voy·eur - (voi-yûr') - n.

1. A person who derives sexual gratification from observing the naked bodies or sexual acts of others, especially from a secret vantage point.
2. An obsessive observer of sordid or sensational subjects.

I am a voyeur. Yes, I have said it. Yes, I can admit it. I am a Voyeur.

Now with the admittance that I am indeed a Voyeur, I must make sure to emphasize that I am an Obsessive Observer of sordid or sensational subjects and not one who derives sexual gratification from basically being a peeping-tom.

To sum it up, I like to observe people around me at all times. I can be driving in my car and if I pass someone or they pass me, I will take a look at them. Sometimes in stores, I will just stop for a moment and take a look at someone ahead of me.

But my big thing is reality TV. How sad is that? Yet again this year, I am been suckered in by the show 'Big Brother' but this year it is a little more involved. You see Showtime has apparently teamed up with CBS and for 3 hours each and every night you get to watch the house guests live and uncut. And I CAN'T STAY AWAY!!!

I wish I could explain why but I can't other than to say watching how certain personalities attempt to mesh inside the house is sheer entertainment. I take bets with myself as to who is going to lose their mind first. I yell at certain contestants on the show as if they can somehow silently hear my warning to take heed. It truly is sad...

It makes me wonder what I would do if trapped inside a place like that. Could I actually live in a house with a ton of people I have never met for 3 months? Could I stay there and remain sane knowing I will have absolutely no contact with the outside world? No TV. No Radio. No Newspaper. No Phone Calls. No Internet. Not to mention NO PRIVACY!!! There are hundreds of camera's in that house. Even in the bathroom and the shower. And I forgot to mention the microphones. Every single conversation is recorded and heard.

Could I Do It???

Probably not. And I say that because I would absolutely could not go without having my privacy. I could probably deal with living with a ton of strangers for 3 months, especially knowing there is the prospect of receiving $500,000. But the lack of alone time would get me.

Whenever I am upset about something or I don't feel good, I simply want to be left alone. Don't touch me. Don't screw with me. Just leave me the fuck alone until I am ready to become social again.

And it is for those reasons that I am drawn to this show. I want to know will they react to something the way I would? Will they fight or surrender? Will they break down and cry or throw the biggest temper-tantrum you have ever seen?

The idea of watching people is an old one. Everyone, for the most part, wants to observe the actions of others. We can't help ourselves. Does this make us bad? No. Actually, my personal opinion is quite the contrary. In some ways its even a good thing. When we observe the negative behavior of others it tends to make us think of ourselves and how we would handle ourselves in similar situations. We get to see how everyone deals with their negativity and decide if we want to ever be looked at in the same light. Definitely not a bad thing right???

The only thing that makes it bad is simply this. Sometimes, it takes observing the bad to realize that we shouldn't do something.

I guess this brings up morality. And all I want to say about morality is this. Everyone has a set of morals. No one's is the same. We will never entirely agree with the things people around us do but that is what makes us unique. We have that right. If you don't like something you see, then turn away because that does not mean everyone else shares your opinion and just because you do not like something does not give you the right to make that person stop whatever it is they are doing just to make you happy.

Remember, morality means to conform to a specific set of rules of conduct that are considered right and just by the majority. UGH..........

You see how all of this comes together????

I thought so.....

So now that I have gone on a tangent that I truly did not expect to do, let me say this again.

I am a Voyeur and I like it.... I have morals and scruples too but I am a Voyeur via the Flickering Light Box aka.... The Television...

Torture???

Alright everyone... I need some input here!

Now if a person hates to be tickled, do you think it can be considered torture to tickle that person???

In case you are wondering, I HATE TO BE TICKLED!!!

I think tickling is cruel and mean. So what if I happen to laugh while its being done, that doesn't necessarily mean I am enjoying it? In fact, its quite the opposite. It hurts....

Michael and I always sit side by side on the couch when we are spacing off into the lala land known as the television. Well, for whatever reason, he always feels the need to tickle the shit out of me. Sometimes it's so bad I end up sliding off the couch onto the floor as its my only way of getting away from him all while screaming at the top of my lungs. Dare I mention I am usually about 2 seconds away from wetting my pants????!!!!

See cruelty.... Pure and Simple....

So now let me give you a scenario....

Last night we were once again sprawled out on the couch watching tv when Michael decides it is his mission to help me rid myself of my fear of being tickled.

"Baby, come on just lift up your arm! Have trust!"

"Fuck NO! I have no trust because you always tickle me!"

Slowly my arm is being pulled upward exposing my arm pit...

"Michael! STOP IT!!! I don't want to be tickled!"

"I'm not going to tickle you! I swear! Just trust me!"

With him holding up one arm he lies his hand right inside my arm pit and moves it a little.

Here is me... Squirm... Squirm... Legs bouncing up and down wildly... Squirm... Squirm...

"STOP IT!!! MICHAEL PLEASE!!! STOP IT!!! I HATE THIS!!! I KNOW YOU ARE GOING TO DO IT!!! I KNOW YOU ARE GOING TO TICKLE ME!!! PLEASE JUST STOP IT!!!"

"See I'm not doing anything. Its you moving that is making it tickle!"

After a good minute he finally stops.... Laughing at his conquest.... Laughing at my lack of trust... Just laughing at me....

Big Butthead.....

He did this twice last night. And then what happened??? He decided to tickle me for real and it was awful!!! So much for trust right???

HELP!!! Help me stop this evil menace and his crazy ass mission to tickle me when he knows exactly how much I hate it....

I have a feeling I will have most of you women on my side but you men seem to find situations like this amusing... Cruel!!! MEAN!!!! ***hmpfffffffffff***

The Easter Bunny....

Who Is Behind The Mask???

When I was 15 I got my first job working at a fast food place with my best friend Jamie. I hated the job more than anything but I worked with some very "colorful" people so it made going in everyday after school worth it. Of course, being 15 and having a regular paycheck was a bonus too. Can't pass up the money :)

While I was there I began to date a guy that I worked with. Everyone says its pretty much a no-no to ever date anyone you work worth but sometimes we have to learn all of that the hard way right? I know I have one of those personalities where I want to be proven wrong not just told. Hell that little philosophy I lived by is what got me in all of the trouble I got in growing up.....but I never changed. I always insist I can be different than everyone else who has been in similar circumstances. Sometimes its to my benefit but other times I just end up screwing myself royally. **sigh**

Okay back to the guy I dated. He was not bad looking and seemed very very nice. We always managed to have a ton of fun when we worked together so it just seemed right. Besides we had mutual friends and always ended up at the same parties so knowing how well we got along it just seemed natural that we would end up dating.

We dated for several months until it just got to be a little bit too much for me. I began to see him as being slightly possessive of me a overbearing at the same time. What finally broke everything off was him starting to ask me what I was doing, where I was going, who I was talking too...etc... You get the picture. All the signs of something very very bad in the works.

When all of that began to happen, I broke it off.

That did not set well with him. He began to cause problems for me at work and was constantly following me around and harassing me. So much so it got the attention of my manager who found the whole thing very unnerving. He ended up firing him a couple of days later.

I was relieved when he was fired. I thought I would finally be able to move on and breathe without fear of being questioned about everything 24/7. I would be able to work in peace and go back to having fun with all of the people I worked with.

A good 3 weeks passed and I hadn't heard a peep out of the guy. No phone calls. No showing up at my job. No magically appearing at school. He just stopped. It was great.

What a beautiful 3 weeks.

One night while we were closing up the restaurant one of the guys I worked with was taking a bunch of trash out to the dumpster. It was about 11 on a Friday night so it was very dark outside therefore making it impossible for him to see anything other than what was in plain sight. Big deal right? Shit he had been taking the damn trash out there every single night for months so what would make this night any different right?

WRONG!!!

When he got there and was just about to throw the massive bag into the dumpster out jumps someone. He was dressed in a black ninja suit and began tossing those little Ninja Throwing Stars at the guy. And when I say he was wearing a Ninja Suit, I mean the full fucking suit.

All we heard from inside the restaurant were shrieks and screams. That sent everyone running outside to see what the hell was going on.

That is when we see the guy who took out the trash curled up on the ground in the fetal position with a freak in a costume standing over him. He was black from head to toe. Shit his face was even covered up partially just like you would see in some Bruce Lee movie. There really is no accurate way to describe the scenario that would do it any justice what so ever. It was just fucked up. I thought I was lost in some crazy Kung Fu movie or an episode of Candid Camera.

When the guy saw us he immediately ran off.

The guy who took the trash out finally calmed himself down after a couple of minutes and was able to tell us that he was spoke too by the person. Here is a snippet of the conversation:

"I know you are dating my girlfriend man and you are going to pay for taking her away from me! God sent her to me and no one, especially you is going to take her away from me!"

Right then and there I knew who it was behind the mask. It was my ex. As soon as I heard the words "God sent her to me" I fucking knew it. That was something he had told me right before I had broken it off with him.

He had given me some story of praying to God to send him someone way before he met me that he would be with until the day he died. He began to tell me that God had spoken to him on many occasions and told him to be patient and one day it would happen. Then he told me that he had seen me in visions and I was the girl God had spoken to him about.

Can you believe that shit? At age 15 I was that fucking girl??!!! Gimme a damn break here!

I knew he was insane and that is the biggest reason I quit seeing him. Hell I was 15! Seriously! Like I was ready for any kind of serious relationship here especially from someone who claimed to be talking to Jesus and God Almighty himself. No fucking Thank You...

Well the cops were called and I told them who I thought it was but based on everything that happened there was no real proof he did anything and nothing was ever done.

He never bothered me again from that point on and he never showed back up any place I was in any more costumes.

I did find out he dated a girl I knew a couple of years later and he tried to turn her into me. He made her cut her hair like mine and even change her room so it looked exactly like mine. She actually contacted me when they had broken up to tell me all about it. The story actually gave me chills.

What the hell???

I ran into him about 10 years ago in a grocery store. It was a little eerie. He proceeded to tell me how he ended up marrying the very same girl who called me to tell me she had been made into me. How odd is that? They were still married and that is when he asked me if he and I could get together sometime.

I POLITELY said no and walked away.

I have never seen him again...

And that is my story of having a stalker.

The Not-So-Great Con

I think it has been fairly well established by my recent posts that I was not the most innocent of teenager girls. Of course I am referring to my rambunctious nature and all of the evil deeds I did.

I went through a time during high school where I really didn't give a rats ass about grades or even attending school for that matter. That was pretty much my junior year.

On days when I didn't feel like going I would call the school, pretend to be my mother and take the day off. It always worked out fairly good because my parents at that point both worked during the day so they never knew.

I was always surprised that they never found out but never-the-less grateful too.

Now I mentioned that not only did I hate attending school but I didn't really do the work either.

Grades were something my parents always felt were important. In fact, it was just expected that my sisters and myself get good grades. I didn't have the type of parents who would reward for good grades and that was because they felt it was our job. They were expected to go to work and we were expected to perform in school. No if's, an's or but's.

Well the year I chose to defy the parents and not do my school work was a fun one indeed.

I skipped school frequently with my friends. We would hang out at different houses pretty much partying all day long or head to the lake and party there. It didn't really matter where we went as long as we were all together, living it up and having fun.

When it hit the end of the first quarter of school that year I started to realize that I was in fact failing several classes and that sent me into a bit of a panic.

How in the hell was I going to cover this shit up? They would know for sure I have been screwing around once the report card home.

I had no idea how I was going to dig myself out of this hole I had created for myself.

When I had this epiphany I had about 2 weeks before the report cards were expected to come out. Thank God a little breathing room!

During this 2 weeks I tried to come up with everything possible but nothing sound plausible.

I could claim I was abducted by aliens and there was body double who filled in for me and it was their fault I got shit grades.

Maybe the dog that we didn't have ate every single piece of school work I did since the beginning of that year.

Wait, I could claim all of the teachers came together in an elaborate conspiracy to make me fail all because they were terribly afraid of my brilliance. Surely that would work!

Ah Fuck...

None of that was going to work and I knew it.

That is when my very good friend Eric stepped in. I had mentioned to him my problem and he said he had the perfect solution.

Eric began to tell me of his close workings with the teachers. He was a teachers assistant for many of the same teachers we had. He helped grade papers and lots of other little tasks. But most importantly, well for the good of my plight, he had access to blank report cards.

THIS WAS FUCKING AWESOME!!!

I would be able to live and breath after report card day!!!

I wouldn't be dying a horribly painful death at the hands of my parents.

Hurray!!!

The next day Eric approached me with a set of report cards. I was elated!!! Not only would they be good for this quarter but they would actually be good for the entire school year!

You see the way the cards were set up was like this. You had one set for each class and each set consisted of 4 report cards, each a different color to represent each quarter. They were all carbon copied so the previous quarters grade would appear on each new one.

The day Eric gave them to me was a great day! I immediately went home and began my Great Con.

I was meticulous. I took my time. They had to be perfect!

I made sure not to give myself grades that would be unrealistic. A couple of A's. A couple of B's and a C here and there but nothing below that.

In some of the comment sections I even wrote things like "A pleasure to have in Class!" and "Looking forward to another quarter". You know, all of that crap teachers write on report cards because they cannot say how they truly feel such as "You know, she is a real pain in the ass and you should really consider kicking her ass from time to time."

It took me a few hours to really perfect the report cards because each and every single one of them had the teachers signature on them. Now you may be wondering how I pulled this part of my scheme off but it was actually quite easy. I had several items from school which had each of my teachers signatures on them already so I pretty much just copied their signature but only after practicing how they signed their name.

Finally I was done!

I sat back and surveyed the masterpieces I had. I was pleased! They turned out even better than I had hoped they would.

This was sure to work!

Report card day presented itself about a week later and I was prepared. I got up that day and went to school armed with my fake documents. As each class passed and each teacher handed out their cards, I shredded them almost immediately and shoved them into my binder.

At the end of the day, I went to the trash dumpster at the back of the school and threw out all of my shredded incriminating evidence and headed home.

When I got there I handed my mother my fake report cards and waited. She looked through them and then told me what a good job I had done and that was it.

I PULLED IT OFF!!! My MOST BRILLIANT SCAM EVER HAD WORKED!!!

No one would ever know that I actually had C's and D's! Okay there was one F but that was in Algebra II and I hate math more than anything else in the world damn it!

From this point on, the rest of my junior year was a breeze! As each quarter came and went, I went through the same ritual I did at the beginning of the year.

All was great!

I was living the high life! I was partying it up with no concern about anything at all!

Until the end of the year that is....

That is when the world came crashing down around me....

I failed to understand that the very last report card was not given to us by the teachers but they were mailed. Of course I absolutely thought I would be able to get the mail before my parents, but I was wrong. Unfortunately, my staying out late with my friends caused me to lose track of time and I over slept. My mother got the mail before I even knew what had happened!

Seeing the look on my mothers face still haunts my mind to this day. My mother lost her mind that day. My father, who is usually a fairly calm man, lost his shit too.

My days of fun were now over. I lost my phone. My television was gone. My friends were now only a memory until the beginning of the next school year because my summer vacation was no longer that.

**sigh**

And that is how the Greatest Con in the World came crashing down at my feet!

I was such a bad girl. I think I say that every time I post something like this.... Oh well! I lived and I learned. I chose the hard route....

Mind Games

Ahhhh!!! Just another day paradise!!! Okay so I am being a little sarcastic but it helps me feel a little bit better so whatever.

Why are there people in the world who prey on the weak? I know it makes them feel superior and gives them that sense of control and power but if it is something they would not want done to themselves then why would they do it to anyone else? Makes not one bit of sense to me and it never will. I guess because I am one of those people who loves to help and not hinder. I don't have issues with my self-esteem like someone who is a nothing more than a virus in my life. All I need to do is find the perfect vaccine and irradicate him but until then I just have to try and stay positive and take each day as it comes.

I admit, its hard but considering I am surrounded by many good people who really and truly care about me and my son, I know I can do this.

I guess I just needed to vent a bit. I am really very tired of dealing with so much crap lately. Honestly, I have spent the last 11 years of my life trying to decipher between bullshit and truth. And you know what? I don't do that anymore. I just automatically assume that its all lies because I have no reason to believe anything else. Right??? Yeah I pretty much thought so....

I guess I am just having a really hard time understanding how someone could lie to me about every single thing they ever did. I kept asking myself why me? What did I do? But when I started thinking more and more about it, I came to the realization that this person is truly sick in the mind and will always be that way until they decide to face reality and get some help. I refuse to hold my breath because the minute I do, I will die. And I cannot let that happen because I have so many positive things in my life. My son, Michael, my family and my friends. They are all worth so much to me and I will never allow anyone come between that ever again. I am happy so why sacrifice that happiness????