Sordid Tales of a Bill Collector

As strange as it is to say, I am a Bill Collector.... and I am good at it!

I began my crazy career as a collector some 18 years ago (good Lord if that doesn't give away my age!). I started down this interesting path by mistake. I was working at a temp agency and got sent to a rather large company (who shall remain nameless but it rhymes with Shittybank) thus falling head first into the entertaining and cruel world of the debt collector.

It may seem strange to those of you who read my blog and see me in a completely different light, but there is a side of me that is fairly aggressive and it's that part that allows me to come to life, so-to-speak, on the other end of the phone with someone who cannot pay their bills.

Now I am not one of those who insists on badgering and intimidating the caller on the other end of the line. I just don't see the point in it all if you really want to know. Especially considering the majority of the people I talk to really want to pay their bills but they just don't have the money. Hey, life happens and so many times it means we suffer financial woes so why treat someone like shit when they just don't have the money.

Yes, for the most part I am a very nice and fairly compassionate bill collector.

I know.... I know.... It sounds strange but never-the-less, it's very true.

But even I have my moments. Yep, those times when the person on the other end of the line, well to put it bluntly, is a complete fucking asshole. I wish I had a nicer word for it but why sugar coat the facts???

I have been called every single name in the book and that doesn't phase me in the slightest. Hell, there are even times when I start laughing. Can't help it! It's either laugh or get pissed and I think the first of the two is a much better way to deal with it all.

Well there are also those times when what you are hearing on the other end of the line sends twinges of disbelief all through you. You have to sit back a second and actually ask yourself if you are really hearing what you think you are hearing.

**WARNING!!! What you are about to read contains foul language and strong sexual content. If this content bothers you, I suggest you stop reading now for I cannot be held liable for injuring your virgin ears***

For example.... Take Betty for instance. She has an account that is severely late. So late its getting to the point where the lender is simply going to pursue her for nothing short of the balance on the account. Well, we call Betty and here is the conversation...



***Disclaimer... the names have been changed to protect the innocent but the story in which you are about to read is true.***

ME: Hello, may I speak with Betty Please?

MAN ON PHONE: Who the fuck is this?

ME: My name is Kristine and I'm calling from ******. Is Betty there?

MAN ON PHONE: Fuck you Bitch! You aren't talking to my wife!

ME: Sir, this really isn't necessary, I was merely calling to speak with your wife about a personal business matter. I am calling on the ******** account.

MAN ON PHONE: Bitch! She has personal business alright and that is sucking on my balls!

***Now mind you, I normally wouldn't listen to this stuff because its a huge waste of time, however, this man was so completely crazy I had to see where it would go. Does this make me a little sick a twisted? Possibly but hey, I have to get my entertainment whenever I can at work. So what do I do? I play into it! SICK PUPPY I AM!***

ME: Sir, I really don't understand where you are going with all of this. I really need to talk to Betty. Is she there?

***I pause a second and hear nothing so I proceed***

ME: Federal law requires me to inform you that this is an attempt to collect the debt and any information I obtain will be used for that purpose. This call may be monitored or recorded for quality assurance and training purposes.

MAN ON PHONE: Go ahead and record me Bitch cuz I don't give a fuck!

ME: Sir, can I talk to Betty or do you want to talk about the account?

MAN ON PHONE: If you want to talk to Betty you will have to come over here and pry her mouth off my big black cock! Ain't that right bitch! Huh???

***Right now my hand is on the mute button and I am telling the manager I sit next to and the girl on the other side to listen to the conversation. They jump up excitedly and come over to my desk.***

ME: So are you unwilling to discuss your account with us?

MAN ON PHONE: Balls Bitch! You know you like em' don't ya? And that is the only thing you are gettin' outta me! You heard me Bitch! You get my balls to pay your fucking bill with!

***snickering with my friend and manager. We can tell by the slurred words he has to be slightly drunk, wait... really drunk.***

FELLOW COLLECTOR BESIDE ME LISTENING: This dude be off da chain! DAMN!!! This mutha fucka is Off Da Hook!!! **snickering loudly**

MY MANAGER: Keep him on the line for a few minutes so we can get him on tape.

MAN ON PHONE: Balls! Suck My Balls Bitch! Suck My Balls Bitch!

***The crazy idiot goes into a song of "Suck my balls bitch" for a good 2 minutes. It didn't get old either. Between the words, which he sang so eloquently mind you, he managed to throw in a few "oh's" along with some humming. I am telling you, the man should be nominated for a Grammy! After that 2 minutes, the phone fell silent. It was my chance!***

ME: Are you done because you owe me $2382.64 and I need to know when you are going to pay this bill?

MAN ON PHONE: I already told you how I was gonna pay Bitch!

ME: Okay sir! We are getting no where so I am going to hang up now and we will call you again tomorrow.

MAN ON PHONE: Fuck you bitch! Call me later today!

***With that I hung up the phone***

Now this is not the normal person I talk to. In fact, they are few and far between, but when you get one on the phone, you have to take a moment and listen. Talking to people like this give an amazing insight into the lives of the people in the world around me.

Listening to the twisted, disgusting and disturbed of this planet make me realize I am not so crazy. **breathing a sigh of relief and wiping a bead of sweat from my forehead.**

The sad thing is I only wish my little tale were an exaggeration but they aren't. Okay, I lied about the wishing they were an exaggeration. I have to admit, I do love listening to this stuff. If only I could get my hands on the recordings. You see, he hasn't just talked to me this way. He does it to every single female he gets on his phone. I scrolled back through all of the notes to see comments like, "Male has a filthy mouth!" and "Man said very rude and dirty things to me!"

Ahhh what a world!

Now will I ever get money out of this guy? Oh Hell No!!! It wouldn't happen! Not in a million years. But the ride we as collectors will take to try and get this guy to pay will be an intense and more than interesting one.