Just gotta Vent a little...

Today I am drained. Today I am mentally and physically exhausted. Today I am.....

Have you ever had to just sit and silently deal with an illness while feeling completely helpless and useless?

This past week has been a little rough on my Michael and today is no exception. A few nights ago Michael became extremely sick for several hours. He got over it a day later but this morning he awoke with that same feeling of weakness and nausea. We had to work this morning so we got up, left and made the 40 minute trek. About 45 minutes after we got there he became incredibly sick and began vomiting again. This bout continued until just a few minutes ago. So we had another round of 4 hours of nothing but getting sick.

All I could do was sit back, watch, hold his hand, run my fingers through his hair and get him anything he needed.

I hate that.... I hate it SO much....

This morning was tough because every time he gets sick it scares me tremendously. Normally, I handle it really well. I take care of him and I do it because I love him dearly. But this morning, I broke down. I seriously broke down and cried.

It's hard watching him go through this knowing there is nothing that I can do to magically make it go away or even take it on myself so he doesn't have to deal with it anymore. Of course he would tell you himself he would never wish this disease upon even his worst enemy, but I would still take away his pain if I could. His poor body has been raked over the coals for years and in all honesty, its truly taking its toll. Don't get me wrong, Michael is in very good shape for someone living with Type 1 Diabetes Mellitus. But this disease has really done a number on him.

Diabetic Neuropathy.... Nerve Damage.... I think this is the worst part of the disease. Just from watching Michael over the last few months I truly believe this is what makes his condition so unbearable. Diabetes causes severe complications with the nerve receptors in the body making it difficult to cope with everyday things whether it be loud noises, having too many people around or just being able to sense if his blood sugar levels are too high or too low.

You see, when he gets sick....HE REALLY GETS SICK!!! The vomiting is almost always very violent and uncontrollable for several hours and this morning was no exception. I can deal with watching him get sick and cleaning up after it all but what got to me this morning was simply wondering why this has to happen to him.

It's unfair. It's so completely unfair. He is such a wonderful man and he doesn't deserve this. I know, no one does but I guess when it hits so close to home that Diabetes becomes something so much more than just a word or an illness. It's very real and it's very scary. It's debilitating. It's life changing. It's inconvenient. It's terminal. To be very blunt, it's a slow painful death. And that is something he will tell you himself.

I want to make it very well known that Michael is truly the strongest person I have ever known, not only physically but mentally as well. And when I see him get sick it kills me inside as it does him. Michael does not ever like to feel or appear weak because that is not who he is but this fucking disease drains him. It exhausts him. It takes from him and that is what hurts the most.

I hate this disease but at the same time, it is a part of him. It makes him who he is and that is just a spectacular human being who looks at life as we all should. All Michael wants out of his life is happiness and love and nothing more. As long as he wakes every day and takes a breath he knows he has accomplished something monumental and that is being able to live.

Michael is my hero and my personal guardian angel. I have never loved anyone as much as I love him and I never will. How we ever came sweeping into each others lives I will never know and honestly I don't care. It happened and that is all that matters. We love each other and we are happy. That is what life is all about.

My love for you is a journey;
Starting at forever,
And ending at never.
~ by Anonymous ~

I realize this is long winded but today I just needed to vent. I needed to just get it all out because this disease of his takes it toll on all of us and if I kept it all in he would kick me for it. He always says that if you need to vent then do it because keeping it in does no one any good at all. He is right. He is so right.