A Redneck Christmas...

Before I started working at the company I am with now, every Christmas party I ever attended was boring, dull and lifeless. You would much rather get yourself caught in a bear trap and then try to gnaw your way out than attend one of these functions.

You know the setting I am talking about. A huge group of people who pretend to be having a good time but are really only there for the free meal and all full of hope of getting that fabulous door prize. Could I win the TV? Or maybe the CD player? Maybe a lap dance from the whorish secretary who looks like a librarian? Whatever the case you definitely are not there for the social hour because you loathe so many you actually work with.

This is only the 2nd Christmas party I have gone too with this company and even though they don't give a damn thing away, these parties are so much better than any other I have ever gone too.

Let me set the stage properly for you.

I work with rednecks. Gotta love the rednecks!!! There is nothing like them in the entire world! I'm sure when I mention rednecks you probably get visions of Larry the Cable Guy in your head in his sleeveless t-shirt and "Git R Done" hat. Well if that is the case, you would be almost 100% accurate. The only difference is they are not as funny as Larry and sure as hell don't have the kind of money he has. As for the clothing, yep, that's pretty much it.

The company I am employed with happens to be a paint manufacturing plant so the guys are usually high on thinners and other wonderful chemicals. It tends to make for a good time for all involved. Now putting them into an environment filled with food and alcohol only amplifies their behavior 100 times over. I would compare it to locking chimps in a room but that would be disrespectful to monkeys everywhere so I just can't do it.

These are men who never comb their hair and usually reek of a lovely mixture of body odor, tobacco, rancid vomit and trash. Yes, at times it is that bad. I do not exaggerate at all. Their clothing is almost always something flannel, completely dirty and full of holes. They never go anywhere without their ball caps on and thank God because sometimes I wonder if they even know what shampoo is.

This year the party was at a very nice Italian restaurant. Now when you vision this restaurant don't think of the regular chain restaurant like "The Olive Garden". This is more like the mob-owned, head of the mafia sitting in the back room with a huge napkin stuffed in his shirt, ordering hits on people like he was ordering his meal type restaurant. It's nice and dark in there with soft music playing in the background and lit candles on every table. Men strutting through in pin-stripe suits, huge cocky grins on their faces and slicked back hair oozing testosterone all claiming to be masters of the universe. Reminds you of something out of Goodfella's.

Now the look on the faces of the people in this restaurant was priceless when the gang of rednecks came pouring through the door. You would have thought aliens landed in the parking lot and wandered in rather than actual human beings. Granted I see their point because not a one of them bothered to shower or shave for this lovely event other than the few of us who work in the corporate office.

Once everyone arrives we are rushed to the back of the restaurant and placed in a room with the door closed. There is a huge buffet table full of lasagna, lemon chicken and fettuccine Alfredo. When the guys lined up to fix their plates you would have thought of them being in famine for the last 10 years of their life because they apparently had not seen food in a long time. They piled up this stuff so high on their plates they each had enough to feed a family of 10 and possibly still have some left overs.

After dinner it was time to head for the bar. I have never seen so many bottles of Bud Light ordered in my life. They couldn't just order one at a time. Hell no. They were ordering 2 to 3 at a sitting.

The nice thing about being around drunk rednecks is that they tend to buy your alcohol for you. That's right. I didn't pay for a drink today and I had a few. At first I had to join in with the beer but then I switched over to vodka and cranberry juice at $10 a glass. I would have been out quite a few bucks if it weren't for my redneck buddies.

I think what amazed me the most is how quickly they drank these bottles down. I kept expecting someone to pull out one of those beer dispensing hats just so they had the capability of holding more beers.

After a good 3o minutes of drinking they were rowdier than a bunch of 10 year old boys lookin' at titties for the 1st time. Jokes were flying, laughter was roaring, booze was getting spilled all over the place and a couple of guys even fell down a time or two.

When it was time to go it got a little interesting for us girls who work in the office. You see there are only 7 girls total who work there among 40 men. Only 2 of us, meaning my sister and myself, are young while the others are 50+ so when it was time to leave the random kissing began. I'm sorry Blu but there was nothing I could do about it. And let me say there is nothing like getting a huge kiss planted on you by several guys reeking of alcohol, cigarettes and Italian food. Hell I swear to God one guy felt me up. Kind of one of those let me bump into you on purpose and pretend it was on accident and get me a handful of some office boobie...

And you know what? None of them will remember it come next week.

I had a good time and am looking forward to it next year, minus the kissing and groping of course :)